Sitting with Uncertainty
2020 was a year of change, uncertainty, and massive overuse of the word unprecedented. But things didn’t magically get better when the clock struck midnight on Jan 1, 2021. In fact, I personally feel like things are almost more dire - so many things are so close, yet so far, and we’re all so tired and worn down by these circumstances and the constant anxiety of living through a worldwide pandemic.
I saw a meme somewhere on the internet (definitely Instagram, but I don’t know where) that showed “4 Wednesdays in January” - Insurrection, Impeachment, Inauguration, Instigation (referring to the r/WallStreetBets - Gamestop - Robinhood situation). That’s a lot for a month. This past Wednesday was the first in February, and for me it didn’t prove any less eventful. The company I work for has been in a “hold separate” with our parent company which acquired us a year ago (February, 2020) due to monopoly concerns. The market authority mandating the hold separate has finally completed their full investigation and all parties have agreed to a “remedy” or a way forward out of this strange limbo. However, with this clarity comes more questions, and now there are less unknown unknowns, but many more known unknowns.
Additionally, this past week, we were all contacted by employees of The Equestrianists, which is the company which puts on the Mongol Derby. They were contacting everyone to see how training is going, and provide an update on the likelihood of the race happening this year. For those who aren’t aware, I was always slated to do the 2021 Mongol Derby which was scheduled for August 2021, but there was also supposed to be one in August 2020, which was moved to July 2021 due to Covid. So, there are supposed to be 2 races across the steppe this year, an “unprecedented” situation altogether, but one that was hopefully going to work.
Now, however, we’re facing the reality of supply chain and logistics getting in the way of vaccinations, questionable efficacy of the vaccines against new strains, and a Mongolia that is still only letting government charters land in the country and has its borders completely closed. I daresay, August 2021 is not looking good.
So then what? Training for this race is more of an undertaking than I had realized, and keeping it up for an entire year extra is daunting. Right now, it works because I’m working West Coast hours, and that only works because having a social life is literally just not a thing. If the world does open up more and I feel comfortable participating, I can’t imagine I’ll be happy to live like this forever. Additionally where would that leave me with this year? Would I keep training as hard? I still need to test my gear and get used to riding that long, and the horses still need their tendons strengthened. But I would need a goal to work towards, and there just aren’t a lot of goals that are as daunting or exciting as a 1000km horse race in a country I’ve never been to. Maybe I’m feeling what it will be like after the race in general when I’ll have to make some decisions, find new goals, and become a normal person again.
When I spoke with Erik from The Equestrianists on the phone, he gave me as much info as possible. Right now, all signs are pointing to it happening this year, if everything goes as planned. Mongolia is vaccinating their population, and wants 80% of their population vaccinated by summer. They’ll require a negative PCR test to enter the country. And they’re opening up their border with Russia in the next few months. The Equestrianists is keeping an eye on the situation and planning on making a call in April of whether to push the race or not. Erik asked if training was a possibility for me (which thankfully has been a yes), and he asked me if I was available in 2022 just in case (which I currently am, because who makes plans these days lol, but goodness!).
The only certain decision they could make in April would be to call it, and push it out a year. And while I’m hoping that doesn’t happen, it at least would be clarity, or certainty. But then we’d just have more known unknowns (where do I train if I have to go back West? What do I do in the meantime? etc) that I’d then have to answer. And pushing it out a year would be such a bummer and a momentum killer.
C’est la vie I suppose - you have to make plans so that you can change them. In bschool they tell you that comfort with ambiguity is something you have to get used to and work through and with if you’re to be successful. I know I can’t control everything (even if the race is happening, I can only control 20% of the outcome!), and wishing things a certain way definitely isn’t helpful. Nor is mourning things that don’t work out. I cannot be paralyzed by fear or indecision. So for now, I’m sitting with this uncertainty, and keeping an eye on the various pieces. I can only control that which is within my power to control. And I can only make decisions with the information that I have right now. So I’m continuing to train, to plan training trips, and to look forward to Mongolia, and I will do so until such time as I have different information. I’m learning to be more present instead of always planning for the next thing - and that is a great thing to take with me no matter what.
Here’s to hoping we’re all vaccinated, safer, healthier, and freer by summer. If not, you’ll get a bonus year of me ruminating on raingear, footwear, and packweight - silver linings, right?!